Look a Baby Woodpecker

Early this spring Dean and his dad took saws to the apple tree across the street. At the request of the neighbour of course!

A few weeks later we noticed a pair of Flicker Woodpeckers nearby and started watching to see where they would make thier nest. There is a small hollow in the apple tree and that is where they decided to make thier home. It was really the perfect spot for them as spring allowed the foliage to grow around them and hide them from the general view. for us it was perfect too as we have had a chance to watch the adults come and go and have been able to enjoy them while leaving them their space.

Yesterday morning Dean was out in the yard doing some work with his dad on the truck when he noticed that one of the little guys was out venturing on his own. He sent the boy in to get me and the camera and here is the result.

I wish you were all here with me the last week. I am not sure I can capture on screen what I have been through but I will try and share it accurately.

Saturday June 12, 2009 I received a letter that will forever change my life. The letter had been on the table for a few days but unfortunately I didn't notice it earlier and Dean had forgotten to tell me it was there.

It was another letter from the Ministry of Children and Family Services. I expected it to be about our case and the upcoming changes to our counselling program. It was not. Instead it was from the Adoption Ministry and it indicated that a young lady was looking to make contact with me. Twenty one years I had waited for contact and it never occurred to me it might come in the form of a letter.

You can understand the emotion I was feeling if you think back to the day you gave birth and your child was given to you for the very first time. I cried tears of joy for the next 3 days.

You see I never held my daughter the day she was born. I requested that she not be placed in my arms or even my wing of the hospital. I had made a decision months before to give her up for adoption and I needed to maintain my distance to follow through on my choice and now I was going to get the chance if all things went well.

They have. It has been a week since I got my first email from Leila and I can't wait for the next contact be it via text message, phone call or another email. I have seen pictures and she is beautiful. I have read her blogs and have fallen in love all over again with my girl, not the girl in my mind since I last felt her kick but with the woman she has become.

I can't wait to meet her and see baby pictures and school photos. I can't wait to talk through the wee hours of morning about all her hopes and dreams. I can't wait to tell her mine.

Today I shared something with her that I am not sure I could share with anyone else in my life and in return she shared with me what I hope will be the first in a live long lesson she can help me learn.

I am vulnerable right now and I have shared this with Leila and I know she understands. I can't say why I know this because we haven't had a conversation on the subject just a simple admission and a return text. Perhaps the connection that a mother and daughter have isn't just the physical connection or the one brought about by sharing their intimate lives but rather a bond that goes much deeper.

I know I have never questioned my mom knowing me as she does because we are best friends. We are best friends because we developed that bond when I was growing up and she was always there for me when I needed her and to this day she still is. Leila and I don't have that bond, at least not yet but there is still that connection I can feel it and now that I know what causes it I can truthfully state that the connection has always been there.

Not too many years ago I remember going through a very difficult stage in this adoption process. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong and that I would never have the chance with my daughter that I have been given this week. I tried to express my fears to my husband but in all honesty we both thought it must just be a part of the process. the fear of not knowing and maybe never knowing what has happened to someone no longer in your life. My fears were not unfounded. Leila's mom lost her battle with cancer around the same time. Coincidence or a mother's knowledge of the child she has never seen or held?

There is still a long road ahead of us if we are going to build this into a mother/daughter relationship. I know I can't replace her mom. Nothing ever can. I don't want to replace her. I want to build a new relationship one that is ours not one that was theirs and is a pick up from where it left off. I don't "know" Leila yet but I do know her family inherited traits and habits as I look at my sons everyday and see them. I hope to "know" who she is and how I can help her become who she wants to be.

This is amazing and incredible and only God knows where it goes from here and as she said to me in our very first communication.... I am giving this up to Him and trusting that he knows what is best for my daughter and I.